If the condition of a person's garden is any indication of a person's state of mind, then I am afraid my garden does not speak very well for me. It's so wild and chaotic, which, maybe, isn't that all far from the truth. These days, at least.

It's not doing very well...the garden that is. I've only seen a couple sun oranged tomatoes, which I promptly ate from the excitement of finally seeing color in that jungle of green. They were not very good. They were not ready.

My peppers produced pretty white flowers with delicate yellow-green centers, but no fruit. Just taller growing stems and leaves. I have squash, but they are only about the size of a large radish (which I did not plant) and we are already rounding the corner of August. The chippy's like the cabbage, and I know this because I am watching one right now help himself. I don't know yet about the potatoes. I did pull one plant a couple weeks ago and and was rewarded with a potato a bit bigger than a large radish and a bunch of smaller ones the size of a pea. So...Maybe I'll get enough for a pot of mashed potatoes. I did eat the potato I pulled up and it was delicious raw from the garden. The potatoes are taking over the garden, though. I have never grown potatoes before and didn't realize the plants got so tall. But they really are all over the place.

It's a pretty unkempt garden, sad to say. I had so many big ideas, but I think I knew my place here was temporary, so I did not let myself get too attached. It's sad, still. I am going to miss the yard. It is so over grown and wild that it reminds me of my favorite places to go as a kid. One of my favorite childhood memories is climbing up the hill next to our home. The hill and the land beyond it was nothing but acres of tall wild grass, and I would venture out for as far as I felt safe going and then lay back in the tall grass and sun listening to the wind and the birds and the bugs. I was seven years old. I miss doing that. This yard is the closest I've gotten to it in years.

When I was a kid and my Dad moved to Ishpeming, we wouldd come up every year during the summer to spend a few weeks with him and my step-mom. Not knowing any other kids in town, and finding it extremely difficult to make friends with people you might see only once every year, I spent much of my time on what I have always called "The Bluff" at the end of Michigan and Empire Street. I would find myself a nice hot rock ot lay back on while nibbling off the sweet ends of wild grasses. It was my "thinking time" and I enjoyed it. I need to take more "thinking time" for myself these days.

I do not think I will ever be a good landscaper/gardener. I find I prefer the wild, unkempt, natural state of things. I can appreciate the aesthetic value of an organized planned out garden, but in many ways it is not as beautiful to me. I think that when I finally do settle down and buy a place, it's going to have to be somewhere outside of city limits so I can have my wild and rustic yard frequented by birds, bugs, critters and wind of all kinds and can throw marvelous lawn parties where we can all wear big hats and sip spiked iced tea during the day and lounge around the bon fire at night.

I think I'd be very happy in a place like that.

What a perfect, beautiful day today. Although I was recuperating from this ridiculous summer cold, I couldn't resist the opportunity to get outdoors and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine, convinced that it would do me some good.

I believe it did.

Not having a car has been a huge inconvenience in many ways, but today I was thankful for it because it forced me to use a method of transportation I often take for granted. So I strapped on my $2.99 BORN sandels (from Goodwill, thankyouverymuch) and comfortably tucked in iPod earbuds and set my pace to the first song that came on (something by Regina Spector) and headed on my way.

Immediately, I felt better. The warm sun on my bare arms, the light breeze that ruffled my hair, just being outside after feeling like I've done nothing but waste time the past few days...it was definitely a good idea. I worried that maybe it would set me back..push my body too soon before it was ready, but as soon as my feet started moving to the rhythm of music playing in my ears, I knew I had made the right decision.

My initial plan was to just walk to the grocery store for some supplies for dinner, but since it was so beautiful out I decided to take a detour and make a couple of stops along the way. First stop was St. Vinnies. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but I did find a cute wrap dress that I just couldn't pass up, along with a sweet silver bangle bracelet, all for a whopping $3.18. That's right, dawgs. Woot woot. Feeling a tad bit peckish, I stopped at one of my favorite sandwich shops for a #12 with a soda on the side, then found a nice patch of sun a couple blocks away to enjoy my impromptu lunch along with my book I had brought with me.

I still didn't feel like going to the grocery store after lunch was over, so I then went to another thrift store, but left there a bit disappointed. It's kind of a sloppily put together place, although the prices are pretty reasonable. I did find a couple of necklaced I am looking forward to wearing out one of these days.

My favorite stop was at the antique store down town. If you haven't yet had the chance to stop in, get off your lazy asses and get yourself in there. Not only do they have an AMAZING selection of goodies, but the owner is one of the nicest, most interesting and talkative guys I met. On my way to the basement he practically jumped me and offered me a cup of coffee with fresh roasted beans from a guy here in Ishpeming who sells them through a little shop called Andriacci's (I know I am probably spelling that incorrectly). The coffee was delicious! Bold and smooth and exactly what I needed to perk me up. Dave (the owner of the antique store) got to talking about how much he loved the local quaint little shops and how he wished there was more support between Marquette and the outside towns. I agreed. It's something I've often thought about. So we discussed our thoughts on community, a little on politics, and good food & coffee (one of my favorite topics). It was absolutely delightful!

I spent a good hour an a half at the antique store. I absolutely love antiques and dream of someday filling my home with relics from simpler days. Some of my favorite finds were an awesome traveling bar set (which I think I will be going back to purchase for an upcoming birthday present for a friend), a Fischer Price farm set, COMPLETE with the little red hen to sit in the loft, and a 1950's Formica table and chairs set. The best thing about everything in the store is that it's all really reasonably priced! I was drooling over all the items I could purchase for my kitchen...oh how I've dreamed about my kitchen.

Dave and I later bumped into each other again and had another wonderful conversation, this time on the real value of antiques. Monetary value aside, we both agreed that the real value is the left behind pieces of souls each and every item in his store held from it's previous owner. That's what has always fascinated me about antiques...I daydream about the housewife who used that bowl to mix the dough for bread or cookies. Or the gentleman who filled that pipe with tobacco. Was she happy in her role? Did he smoke his pipe in the front room while reading the evening paper? I like to write stories in my head about the items that catch my eye, and I wonder how close to the truth I really am. *shrug* It's a hobby, I guess.

Eventually, I made it Lafaro's market and picked up the items for chicken enchilada's, which I didn't end up making tonight because I was short one kid tonight for dinner. But I am so happy I went on my walk. I really do think it helped!

So, now I'm sitting in my back yard watching my clothes waving in the breeze, listening to the birds sing in the trees and catching the movement of my little chipmunk friend from the corner of my eye, and I feel content. All the stress of having to look for a new place to live, of not having a car, of dealing with the finality of my relationship with Kent, all of what has been burdening my heart and soul for the past few weeks doesn't seem to matter now. I have the beauty of the world around me to put a smile in my heart. Who needs anything more?

I've recently made a pretty big decision, and for the first time ever since considering it in the first place, I feel right about it.

Tomorrow I'll be calling my doctor to set up an appointment to discuss getting a tubal ligation. I hadn't completely shut out the possibility of ever having more children when Kent and I were dating since he had never had children of his own and I didn't want to deny him that possibility should we have ever gotten married. Now that that ship has sailed, for good this time, I don't have that desire to have children any longer. I do find myself a little envious at times of women people who are having babies, but when it comes down to it I really don't want to deal with the early morning feedings, temper tantrums or potty training again. I already have three really good kids that I am perfectly happy and content with, and as much as I love babies and as much as I love children, I no longer desire having my own. I'd still consider surrogacy, but I think I am getting too old for that, so that officially shuts the factory down.

But I am okay with it. In fact, it's somewhat of a relief. Though still somewhat scary. I mean, it's a pretty big decision and I am doing it on my own. But I know it's the right decision for me.

I am requesting all of the above for one of my co-worker's daughter-in-law.

Jodi just turned 38 years old and is the mother of a precious one month old little boy and a sweet three year old daughter.

When Jodi was about 11 weeks pregnant with her son she was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. She was given the option of terminating her pregnancy in order to start treatment against the cancer. With lots of thought and prayer, she decided to put off treatment and go forward with her pregnancy. At 16 weeks pregnant she had surgery to remove a portion of her stomach and small intestine, as well as her whole pancreas in hopes that they would be able to remove enough of the cancer to hold it at bay until she delivered.

She had her son a month early, and he was just over four pounds at birth, but has been growing fast into a strong and alert little man.

Sadly, when Jodi went in for her cat scan to see what the status of her cancer was, it was discovered that the cancer had metastasized in her liver and lymph nodes. Jodi is fortunate to have family that is financially sound, so she is currently undergoing experimental treatment at Johns Hopkins Hospital, but this includes twice the amount of normal chemotherapy as well as a experimental bacteria meant to eat away at the cancer, both which requires close monitoring. This means that she has to spend the next 6 weeks away from her family in Wisconsin while she is at Johns Hopkins.

I have never met Jodi, only heard about her from my co-worker, but her sacrifice and her fight has left a huge impact on my heart and soul and I want nothing more but for her to live and beat this disease. I can not fathom, in the slightest, what she is going through, not to mention her husband and family. My heart breaks for her children; her daughter who will have still remember who her mother was, and for her son whose live she saved in place of her own.

I want her to live, though, and I ask that all of you put your best feel forward and send all your prayers, good thoughts and positive energies to Jodi so that she may have the chance yet to live and see her children grow older. Regardless of how small the chances are, I still hold on to the hope that a miracle will happen. I do believe in them, but only when we are ALL in agreement.

Sometimes I think I should just stick to the things I know. One thing I don't know is baking, and it infuriates me to no end because I love the idea of being able to bake. I have been feeling hugely domestic lately and have been feeling like baking something yummy and tasty to enjoy in the evening after dinner. But I can't bake. I am a horrible baker. Nothing EVER turns out the way the recipe says it will nor does it ever look like the pictures either.

But, unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from trying.

So today, in a fit of domesticity, I tied on my pretty paisley apron and pulled back my hair and decided to make a cake! And instead of trying to make just your regular, standard, run-of-the-mill cake, I decide to get exotic and make a peach upside down cake. Mmmmm....the photos look heavenly, and with a little scoop of creamy vanilla ice cream to go with it...umm..I'll start my "diet" tomorrow.

So I pull out my Better Home and Gardens cook book, regretting like I always for for getting rid of the 1948 edition that used to belong to my grandmother, because I just know that recipe would be a better one. Anyway, I find myself a simple recipe to follow and follow the instructions to a tee. Or so I think. The trouble begins right away. The batter is way to thick. I only put what it called for....I think. I'm pretty sure. But why is the batter so thick? I know it's not right because in the picture in the book the batter that is being poured out of a measuring cup over top the fruit in the bottom of the baking pan is almost like pancake batter. However, mine doesn't even budge when I turn the bowl completely over. Hmm. Something's just not right. So, after I prepare the "bottom" layer of my cake (butter, brown sugar and peaches, which I didn't lay in a fancy pattern) I add more milk to my batter and blended some more, hoping for the best. It still doesn't pour from the bowl as it more falls in glops which requires me to then attempt to spread it evenly around.

At this point I don't expect much from my cake.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes is what the instructions say, so I pop it in and leave it be. While the house filled up with the sweet scent of baking peaches and moist cake, I daydreamed that maybe I wasn't such a bad baker after all. And that maybe the final result of my attempt would actually resemble something along the lines of a Good Housekeeping centerfold. I believe it could truly happen. My cake, tall on it's decorated pedestal, firm and moist, dappled on top with chunks of juice soaked peaches, glazed with a delicious butter and brown sugar sauce that has soaked into the cake. Ohhh..I could taste just how wonderful it was going to be!!

And then I pulled it out of the oven and got this:



Which looked nothing like this:

I went on a fun adventure with Daniele yesterday. She had an engagement photo shoot near Eagle River last night, so I opted to tag along to keep her company. On our way up the weather looked a bit iffy and we drove through some pretty heavy rainfall, but after we cleared that it was nothing but blue skies the rest of the way up.

We met up with Chris and Sarah at the Best Western in Hougton and followed them the rest of the way to Eagle River to a little spot called Jacob's Falls. I knew of the area but hadn't stopped there before, and Dee had never been there before. Little did we know that the photo shoot would involve pretty much scaling rock walls and steep inclines (thank goodness for an abundance of tree roots that I was able to use as hand holds). It was beautiful, though, and while I wasn't handing off lenses to Dee I was picking wild blueberries and snacking. So I can't complain.

After our stop at the falls we headed further north towards the Great Sand Bay for some more photos. It's so beautiful up there along the shoreline that Dee was able to get some really awesome photos.

The couple was a very interesting couple too. Both are kind of socially awkward and have the maturity level of a couple of young teenagers. When Dee asked them to kiss for one of the photos they both started giggling and laughing so much that we wondered if they had ever even kissed before!! It was like dealing with a couple of 13 year olds. Sarah was all about action shots "Get a photo of us playing hide and seek" "Get a photo of me taking Chris down in the water" She was all about it! Chris was a bit more reserved, but he had fun too. They both did. By the end of the shoot they were both in the water smooching without embarrassment and looking very happy. They obviously adore each other and I find that to be terribly sweet. They are perfect for each other.

We didn't get done until about 9:30pm and since we were pretty much on the tippy top of the Upper Peninsula, it was still a 2 hour drive back home, which took about 3 hours because of a wrong detour we took due to construction. It was pretty freaking hilarious, really, because it pretty much circled us right back to where we began, so by the time we got on the right track it was 10:30. Poor Dee. It had been such a long day for her, but I know she loves doing what she does and I am so thankful that she likes to share it with me. We always have so much fun together. I love her dearly.

We had a couple of cool conversations on our way back home. One was about how we'd like to do a series of books on small U.P. towns or businesses and the people associated with them. For instance, on our way to Jacob's Falls we passes by a little shop with a big sign outside that said "The Jam Lady". I commented on how I wonder if there she sold Thimbleberry jam and immediately after saw a sign for Thimbleberry jam with a cardboard sign taped over top of it that said SOLD OUT. Anyway, on our way back down, even though it was 9:30pm, we stopped in at the shop because the sign said OPEN. Come to find out the shop is just a room attached to their house and it's full of all sorts of jams, honey and syrups. It was amazing! The guy who came out was an attractive and friendly Yooper who chatted with us about the family jam making business. His family is from the area, 100 years strong, and he is also a construction worker who renovates old homes/businesses. Dee noticed a coffee can on the counter with money in it that had "The Honesty Can" written on it in black marker. When she asked him what it was for, he said that a lot of times he leaves the door to the shop open so people can still stop in and pick up their jam, so he leaves the can out and he trusts that when people stop in they will leave the correct change behind. I think that is so freaking beautiful! I love it. I LOVE IT!!! Anyway, it's THIS kind of stuff that she and I want to share with people. With her photography skills and my writing skills, we think it would be a great partnership to put together some coffee table type books about the U.P. I think they's go over well.

Another thing we talked about is how to answer the most question "Where are you from?". It's a difficult question for both Dee and I. She moved a few times in her lifetime, which makes it hard for her to claim just one area as her "hometown", and I moved just about every year in my childhood, which makes claiming a place that I am "from" near impossible. For years I always said I was from the Lapeer/Flint area because that is where my Mother's family is from and they are the family I was always closest too. The past couple of years I haven't been liking that answer, though, because the fact is I only lived in Lapeer maybe twice my whole life time, and only for a handful of months each time, so it doesn't even count. Not to mention, I am not that close to my family down there. The last time I saw most of them (if not all) was when my Aunt Pat passed away four years ago. *shrug* It's just one of those things. The fact is, though, I just don't feel any connection with that area. It doesn't hold any fond memories for me (quite the opposite, to be honest) and it doesn't call me back to visit because I miss it so much. So, no. I am not from Lapeer, Michigan, about 20 minutes East of Flint and 35 minutes North of Pontiac (neither of them very desirable places to visit). So where am I from???

I permanently moved to the U.P. when I was 16 years old. I had had enough of my Mother's yearly tradition of packing things up to find someplace else thought we (she) could be happy, so I moved in with my Dad and Step-mom. However, my Dad had moved up here when I was 9 years old to go to NMU for his nursing degree, so I had been coming up every summer and Winter vacation to visit my Dad in the U.P. It was from that that I decided that although I am not a born and bred Yooper, I can safely say that I have been living in the U.P. off and on since I was 9 years old, and it's really been the only constant "home" in my entire life, so although I may not be a native, I am definitely more than just a transplant. It feels kind of good to finally have a place I can say is "home" to me.

My mother showed up on my door step last Tuesday without any prior notification. I really wouldn't be comfortable with anyone doing that, but with the history I have with my Mother, it wasn't a pleasant surprise.

As it always does, everything fell apart yesterday. There were confrontations, accusations, insults and all sorts of crap thrown around. She was staying with my sister, who asked her numerous times to leave..to just go..she refused saying she had no where else to go. She did, and Kent offered to take her where she needed to go, but she refused. Instead she grabbed her pillow and blanket and stormed off at 11:00pm last night saying she would sleep on the beach and hoped that we all felt good about pushing our mother out on the streets.

We haven't heard from her. She hasn't returned to my sisters. Her things are still at Beth's house, but she hasn't called or come by to claim them.

*sigh*

This fucking makes me sick, but at the same time I am so through with her. She stepped way over the line yesterday saying things to me only meant to hurt and only meant to bring me down to her level, which I am not proud to say she was successful at doing. But I refuse to continue to have her emotionally manipulate me any longer. How do I combat that, though, when she's wandering around town someplace and we have no idea where she is or what she's doing.

This sounds awful, but this would be so much easier to deal with if she had some sort of substance abuse problem, but just the fact that she's mentally unstable leaves me feeling hopeless. There is nothing I can do to make her get help. According to the law, as long as she's providing her basic needs then she can be loonier than a two dollar bill. I don't know how being homeless can be considered providing her basic needs, but I guess that since she's not in any imminent danger, she's considered okay.

I know differently, though. She's not okay...her mind is not okay. SHE NEEDS HELP. And I am helpless to get it for her. There is nothing I can do because she makes it damn near impossible. She twists everything around in such a dark way, she has so much anger and hate and it feels like all she wants to do is bring the rest of us down with her. She is beyond working with. She is so paranoid and distrustful of people that everyone is out to make her life miserable. No amount of reaching out is going to make her happy.

And I am just exhausted. So fucking exhausted.

I didn't do my gratitude journal last night, so while I'm thinking of the things I was grateful for yesterday, I will do it now.

Yesterday I was grateful for..

...the kids doing their chores without too much complaint and in a fairly timely fashion.

...being able to do 20 sit ups after my walk.

...having all the kids home for dinner.

...the somewhat busy morning at work which made my day go by faster.

...being able to get more laundry finished.

...realizing that I can actually enjoy domesticity and can take pride in taking care of my family without feeling taken for granted.

...the wonderful 45 minute walk I went on after dinner.

...Conan O'Brien.

...being able to go through another day without feeling any tension or anger towards Kent!

...having a fully charged iPod, which make walking and domesticity so much more enjoyable.

...ironing. Yes. I said ironing. What about it??

...my seedlings!! I know you said not to bother starting them, Meredith, but I did any way and they are doing </i>wonderfully</i>. I plan on transplanting them this weekend to the great outdoors. I'm not sure how they will take with all this cold weather we've been having, but at least I gave it a chance.

...all the beautiful flower and trees blooming and blossoming all over town. Even if we are experiencing Spring a month late, the air still smells fresh and beautiful, and I love it.


And on that note...Spring/Summer 2009 is really doing a number on us Poor Yoopers. According to the weather man, we are experiencing weather/temps that we would normally experience the beginning of May. Last night the overnight temperatures were down in the mid to low 30's. Seriously, people. This just ain't right. I told Kent this morning that if this continues to be the weather trend up here, I might consider pulling up the roots and transplanting them someplace with a more agreeable climate. It seems like the seasons up here are turning into 8 months of winter, one week of spring, two days of summer, and then fall. Not cool. I'm praying like a maniac for better weather.

My lower back is giving me lots of trouble today. It started up yesterday afternoon and although I'm taking Advil for the discomfort, it doesn't seem to be doing much. Man. I can NOT wait for benefits. I am going to get the whole once over when I do get myself signed up. I won't be able to add the kids quite yet since it will be more than I can afford while only working part time, but as soon as I go full-time I'll be able to add them too and then I'll be completely free of any kind of state assistance!!!!! Man oh Man!! That's the greatest feeling EVER! I'm seriously going to have a BBQ to celebrate.

Talking about BBQs makes me think of our back yard and how we have NO GRASS back there. Well, that's if you don't count the random clumps and tufts. It's a pretty sad situation. We tried seeding but I think the cold weather is really sabotaging those attempts. Grrr. All I want is a nice thick carpet of grass in my back yard so I can host lovely little back yard BBQs for my friends complete with Summer Drinks and Good Music. I want to look into the City's guidelines for fire pits and see if that's something we can have. I love the idea of having people over for drinks and guitars sitting around the fire just enjoying each others company. Oh man. The daydreaming begins.

Work is slooooooow today. It's just after 1:30pm and I've only have two visits today. *sigh* I really hate it when it's like this because I get so easily bored. There is only so much dusting and rack straightening a person can do before it starts to get tedious. Maybe I'll re-tag the special occasion gowns just
for something to do.

*sigh*

First, though, is lunch. Left over spaghetti topped with green beans from last nights dinner. Yum.

I just found out that my Mother is moving back to Michigan from Missouri, which I am happy to hear about. The problem is, she's moving back to Marquette. I know...I'm a bad daughter. I am glad she's going to be back in the same state, but I don't need her living in the same county. That's just too much.

When I asked her where she was going to live she replied "Somewhere in my van." :o/ So if any of you locals happen to spot an overweight woman in a beat up GMC mini-van parked behind abandoned buildings around town...or better yet, arguing with local authorities about how she has rights as an American to park where she wants to and they can't prove she's squatting...that's my mom.

Oh joy.

She asked my sister if she could park in her driveway. She hasn't asked me, and I know she won't, which is fine by me. I mean, I am not happy with the thought of my mother being a transient and basically homeless, but this is really the position she has put herself in to. This is what she chooses. There is nothing I can do about it.

It really sucks, though.

The past couple of weeks have been kind of good. Not to say there haven't been low points, but I feel like I am coming out of a fog, of sorts, and it feels good.

Kent and I went North to the Copper Country for the holiday weekend. Actually, we only went for a night, but it was still nice to get away. We did some work for Ma & Pa Randell on the farm and then spent a lot of time wandering around the area exploring old remnants and ruins of the mining industry. We played Scrabble. I won. Woot Woot!!

I've started a Gratitude Journal at the suggestion of my therapist. I've thought about doing one before, but just never had the motivation, but she suggested that doing it would really help to improve how I tend to look at things. Somewhere along the line I've become quite the pessimistic person, always assuming the worst about things instead of exploring more positive possibilities. I have to admit, it's kind of working. The more I think about the things I have to be grateful for, the better I realize I have it and how things really aren't as bad as I sometimes feel they are. It's really helped with my interactions with Kent too. I am really seeing him in the way I should be seeing him, and not as someone who wants to just bring me down. That's a problem that stems from just really feeling like I am not deserving of someone like him or the kind of life we could have together, which is really stupid when you think about it. But one of the things we talked about in my last session was how hard I am on myself. So, I am working on that.

A bit o' good news. About a month ago I applied for a Unit Clerk position at Marquette General Hospital and got called in for an interview for the Ortho/Neuro floor. I didn't get that job, but it inspired me to harass the other departments to make sure they were pulling my application. One of the departments I called was the Hemodialysis department. I spoke with the supervisor there and she said she would call HR to have them pull my application and schedule an interview. A week went by and I didn't hear anything from MGH, so I called back and Andrea, the floor supervisor, went ahead and set up an interview with me herself. I went in last Friday for the interview, which I felt went very well, but was nervous about getting too excited about it because I didn't want to jinx it. I gave them until Thursday and when I didn't hear back, I called Andrea again and left a message saying I was very interested in the position if it was still open. Well, HR called me on Friday to offer me the job!!! WOoot Woot!

Getting a job at the hospital is a good thing up in these parts. I mean, Kent even has people at his job congratulating HIM on my "getting in at the hospital", so, whew! It's job security, fairly decent pay and good benefits. I only start off at part time, but I don't really mind because it's the foot in the door I need. Andrea already asked me about how much I'd be willing to work, and I told her I'd prefer full time which she was happy to hear about. I guess there will be a full time position opening up sometime this summer that I'd be first in line for, so that RAWKS. I have to admit, getting this job takes a big load off my shoulders, as far as my financial struggles go. It doesn't mean it solves them, but it certainly helps, so Thank You to whatever higher power out there had a hand in my landing this job. I am forever grateful.

Yesterday I went on a hike up Hogsback Mt. with Kent and the boys. It would have been a lot more fun is Joey wasn't being such a stick-in-the-mud. He pulled his typical "I'm pissed so I'm not going to talk or even acknowledge anything you have to say" schtick. I was pretty hurt at first. I just wanted to have a nice hike with my family, but instead I got the cold shoulder. I was wallowing a bit on our way back down and mentioned to Kent how I remember how we used to have to spend a good half hour looking for the perfect walking stick before we hit the trail when the kids were younger. Kent pointed out that maybe this kind of activity was just something Joey didn't enjoy doing anymore, which is probably true. Him saying that helped me put things into better perspective and made me feel better about it. I still think he would have enjoyed it had he gave it a real chance, but he didn't want to and if he wants to be a boob like that, I just have to learn to let him and let it roll off my back instead of taking it so personally. Josh, Kent and I had fun so that was good. It was quite the work out, though. I almost made it to the top without stopping for a break. Coming back down seemed more of a challenge than going up since I could feel gravity pulling me down with every step I took. It felt really great, though, and I'm glad we did it. I suggested we make the hike every Sunday, or do something related.

Came home from the hike last night and started dinner and worked on laundry. The washer was broke all last week, so we had tons of dirty clothes piled up. I am so thankful it's a super sized washer, though, because I was able to knock out 4 huge loads of laundry without any trouble. So nice. I've got another 4-5 to go, but most of the really important stuff got done last night. I'll work on the rest of it tonight. I'm thinking of doing a boiled dinner tonight with Keilbasa, potatoes, carrots and onions. It was a staple in our home when I was a kid and is very much a comfort food to me. It just sounds good, really. I might pick up another ring of Keilbasa, though, because I don't know that two rings will feed all of us, especially when feeding three growing teenagers. Food is a precious commodity in the household. Gads!

Kari spent the afternoon at the mall with a few of her friends. I was able to throw $30 her way so she'd have spending money. I have to say how impressed I am with her ability to make her money stretch. She was able to find 3 necklaces and three tops with the money I gave her. She showed me her favorite shirt, which I absolutely loved. It says "If you think I'm crazy, you should meet my Mother!" Ha! What a funny one, that girl is. I painted her fingernails and toenails last night while Kent and I watched the Red Wings game (woot! go wings!!). I am glad we get to do little things like that.

Josh has joined his church's softball league, which I am happy about. It will give him some good constructive activity to participate in with fairly decent people. We've been having a real struggle with him lying a lot lately, and not even about big things. It's little meaningless things too and I just don't know how to deal with it in a way that is going to make a big enough impact without turning him into a angry teenager. I mean, he's a good kid, and I feel like this habit stems from him trying to make people like him better...as if he exaggerates things or fibs about little things then he'll somehow seem like a better person?? I don't know how to explain it, but I thought I might talk to the pastor of his church and see if he would talk with him about it. I don't want him to ignore what his Dad and I say about it thinking that we are just picking on him. I want him to understand how much that kind of thing makes more trouble for him in the long run.

Well, I've rambled on quite enough.

Kent and I went to the Copper Country on Sunday and spent the night at The Farm. It was a nice, quiet getaway. We spent Memorial day doing some chores for Ma & Pa Randell before hiking around some old ruins in Calumet and Laurium. It was a nice mini-vacation. I really enjoyed spending time alone with Kent with no distractions and no other obligations. Sometimes I wish it could just be me and him alone all the time, because it seems that's when we have the most fun together. I just want to soak him up. I guess I am a little ridiculous like that.

At any rate, I had lots of fun. I have a ton of pictures, and once I get them uploaded to my Facebook, I'll leave a link for your viewing pleasure.

I had a really difficult time sleeping last night. As I previously posted, I have two pinched nerves in my neck and back. They came about as I was doing a big stretch the other day and I felt both of them pop and suddenly it was instant pain. The intensity of the pain has quieted down some since then, but they still flare up on occasion and give me grief. Last night was one of those nights. It didn't help that I fell asleep on the sofa and when I woke up all the lights were off and I was all disoriented so I sat up quick and jogged something in my neck because I had this HUGE jolt of pain that shot down through the left side of my neck and through to the tips of my fingers on my left hand. My fingers immediately started tingling and going numb. Eventually it made it's way down my left leg to my toes. I went to bed and tried going to sleep, but it was impossible. Not only did it hurt immensely, but the tingling and numbness was a huge irritation. I ended up going back downstairs for awhile, after popping a bunch of Aleve (wishing I had something stronger to help with the pain), and after awhile the pain subsided, though not completely. Trouble is I am still having moments of tingling and numbness in my left hand and leg. It's very disconcerting. I can't quite grab things the way I need to with my left hand, as of I have lost strength. Argh. I feel like I am falling apart!

I had a bit of a freaky incident last night while snoozing on the sofa, waiting for the Aleve to kick in. I was "sleeping" but not really, because I was totally aware of what was going on around me, but I couldn't speak or move. I remember fighting just to open my eyes. The freakiest part of it, though, was I kept hearing piano music, as if someone was on the keyboard playing scales up and down. At first I thought Kent was still up and playing, because I could have swore the light to the upstairs hallway was on, but then I remember the keyboard was downstairs and there was no way he could be playing. I tried to call for him, but that's when I realized I couldn't speak. The piano music got louder so I closed my eyes and fought just to say "STOP!". It did and then I was able to move, open my eyes and talk. I hightailed it for the bedroom, not even glancing at the keyboard. I was scared when I realized the hall light was off (I was certain I saw it flick on). I have had episodes like that happen to me before, though not for quite some time. I know it's called Sleep Paralysis but it's the most unsettling feeling there ever was. *shudder* Other times when I have experienced it I've heard cackling and once I even saw a person standing over me while I was laying in bed. Not cool.

I feel like I am going crazy.

I have two pinched nerves in my neck and the pain extends down from either side of my neck through each shoulder blade. The one on my left has extended into my left arm and it is numb and tingly and that feeling, on top of the pain, is near driving me to tears. I took an Aleve...correction, I took three Aleve and I am impatiently waiting for them to work their magic. I hate this.

I ended up coming downstairs since I was rearranging myself every few minutes and I didn't want to continue being a nuisance to Kent. I already started that when I came to bed to begin with. I had fallen asleep on the sofa and got all crabby with him when I came upstairs. I guess this is Karma biting me back in the ass, eh? Anyway, I didn't want to end up having him get up to come downstairs because I was keeping him up, so I came down instead. I'll probably end up sleeping down here now. Actually, I end up sleeping down here at least once a week because of my damn back, which really makes no sense because I don't feel any better for it.

Now my left leg and foot are tingling. Perfect.

So I finally broke down and got a seed starter kit. At first I was resistant just because I didn't want to fork out the few dollars needed for one, but I found myself with a few extra dollars today, so I decided to splurge the full $6 it cost for one. I'd like to get them started tonight, maybe and then put them in the back porch upstairs. I was getting a little nervous about not having actually planted anything outside, but most everyone I have talked to has reassured me that starting anything before the first of June is really not a good idea, so I feel better. Since we'll be downstate for Lisa's wedding the first weekend of June, I won't be planting anything until after we get back, but that will give time for my seeds to get started indoors. I am not wishing I had bought the starter kit sooner, but oh well. You live, you learn. When they go on clearance, I'll buy a couple to be ready for next year.

I also bought a hose and a spray attachment. We found out that the outside water faucet doesn't work, though. That means we'll have to get another length of hose and run it from the wash tub in the laundry room. Ah well. At least we'll have a way to water the garden and the lawn. One of our projects this year will be trying to get the grass to grow in the back yard. Right now it's nothing but dirt with a few randoms tufts of grass. I don't think the previous owners did much for raking and lawn care and let their dog(s) poo all over the place. When we were raking there was a lot of dog poo mixed in with the leaves. Gross. Anway, we got some grass seed for the yard and some straw to put over it and we're hoping it takes. *fingers crossed*

Overall, I've had a good day, though. I don't feel like I get to say that too often these days. I'm always a bit stressed or feeling overwhelmed, but today I was able to get some things accomplished (housecleaning) and it makes me happy. I got the whole first floor cleaned and will be starting on the second floor shortly. There's not much for me to do upstairs other than change the sheets on the bed as well as sweep and vacuum. I just cleaned the bathroom a couple days ago so I can skip that. I do have more laundry to do, though, so that's what I'll finish my night up with.

And on that note, I ought to get started. The kids are hauling down their dirty stuff down now, so I supposed I ought to get it sorted and maybe work on some ironing.

Today was probably not a good day to wear a skirt. At least not without any tights. My legs are freezing. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. All I wanted to do is snuggle up to Kent and sleep the morning away. *sigh* That would have been nice. He's nice to snuggle up to.

I've got a whole list of things I need to work on today here at the shop. I really don't want to do any of it. Maybe after a cup or two of coffee I'll feel better.

I got some dirt turned in the steppe planters the other day. Our dirt is rich, but sandy. I'm going to have to get some top-soil and compost to mix in for maximum growing potential. Thursday is going to be spent digging and planting all day. I've got Oregano, Thyme, Basil, beans, spinach, tomatoes and a couple other things I can't remember. Then I got some sweet peas to plant along the fencing to pretty it up. Eventually it will all need to be replaced, because right now it's just random pieces of wood, metal and fencing put together either to keep animals in or out. It looks pretty white trash, though, so I'm hoping some delicate sweet peas will help to ease the eyesore until we can afford to get it replaced.

I went on a bike ride on Sunday. I really really REALLY enjoyed it. I didn't get one in yesterday, but Kent and I did go for a walk. I probably won't get either in today, which makes me a little sad. With the weather being so pleasant lately, I really want to get outside. We've got a full day today, though. After work we've got to go grocery shopping, then home for a quick dinner, then back to Marquette for trivia and then a CD release party at the UpFront for The Chanteymen which our friend Jesse plays in. I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.

I suppose I should be hitting up that list...*yawn*

Anyone here ever listen to A Prairie Home Companion?? Like on a regular basis? I love this show. I always forget that it's on and only end up catching random end bits here and there. Mostly it's the closing of the show. I've gotten a little better than that tonight, and am so happy I did. I just love Love LOVE this show. Garrison Keilor's voice along with the skits, the songs, the story telling makes for such a wonderful time. *happy sigh*

It's the simple things that make me happy.

I had my job interview this morning at MGH. If my not showing up at 6:55am bright-eyed and looking nice doesn't count in my benefit, then they are a cruel cruel people.

My interview was at 7:00am. I set my alarm for 5:45am, but I woke up when Kent got up to sleep on the sofa at 4:30am (my snoring...oops...gotta look into doing something about that), and I couldn't get back to sleep. Ugh. I felt like something horrid warmed over this morning and I am positive I looked about as good. But I chinned up and, "forward ho!", went to my interview.

I first had to take this ridiculous 100 question survey which provided vague multiple choice responses like: Definitely Not, Probably Not, Probably Yes, Definitely Yes, to questions like: "Sally was approached by a patient family member for some help. Sally told them she couldn't help them because she was on her way to lunch. Sally's supervisor overheard her exchange with the patient family member. Should Sally be fired for not helping the family member?"

Really???

Or the one that I get questioned on in the second portion of my interview: "Are you ever late for work."

I put "probably yes" since I want to be honest...stuff happens and sometimes you are going to be late. But it's not like I have a bad work ethic. Like I said, though, I got questioned on that response, so I was honest and told the nurse interviewing me that the survey basically sucked because the answer options were so ridiculous and vague. He laughed and agreed. *whew*

The first portion of my interview was with Eric in HR. He was friendly and I felt comfortable talking with him. His portion of the interview was basically to go through allllllll the paperwork and policies the hospital requires/needs you to know at the time a job through them is offered. It's pretty extensive. But I found out that the job is only part time (a 0.7 which means you work 7 days out of a 14 day pay period), but it pays $10.05 to start, and there is a shift differential. It's Variable Days, which only means that it's a day shift, but I may need to come in at 6:00am or 6:30am instead of 7:00am. After working those early hours with Rena I really came to enjoy getting up so early and having such a large portion of my day left when I got off work. I think I'd enjoy getting back in to a shift like that.

After singing my name to 3923509234345 documents, Eric to me to the Ortho/Neuro Floor to meet Mike, who is the Head Nurse on that floor. Mike was nice enough, though he put off a very serious front at first. It was a little intimidating to deal with at 8:30am, but during the course of the interview he showed more of his humorous side.

I hesitate to say I feel comfortable about the interview because I really want this job. I know it's only part time, but really...if you can get a job at the hospital, you're good to go. The benefits are great and there is 401k. It just be a good move for me. I did some number crunching, and working only part-time at MGH is not much less than what I make working full-time here. I just want my foot in the damn door.

I tried something different in this interview. It just recently dawned on me that when a person pays you a sincere compliment, they are giving you a gift. They are giving you the gift to share that sentiment about yourself to others, not in a prideful way, but as a matter of fact. In my interview today I used some of those gifts I have been given to sell myself. I have been told I have excellent customer service skills. I have been commended for my strong work ethic. I have been complimented on my positive influence on the work environment. Amongst many other things. So I decided to pick out the ones that would best state my case and threw them out there. I hope they worked.

I don't know though. I never had a cup of coffee before the interview began so everything from the time I woke up this morning until I got half a cup of coffee in me is still kind of a blur. I hope I didn't mess anything up. *sigh*